Light every moment of childhood

1. What is violent discipline?

Violent discipline is a form of violence against children, that includes physical punishment (for example, shaking, hitting or slapping a child) or psychological aggression (for example, shouting, yelling or screaming at a child, or calling a child offensive names, or otherwise verbally abusing a child).¹ Many parents use violent discipline not in the hope of actually hurting their children, but rather thinking they need to pay for their wrongdoing and expecting that the children will learn from the punishment so that they will not repeat it.

However, many studies have shown that violence suffered in childhood is likely to have long-term harmful effects on children. In addition to physical and psychological health problems, it can lead to high-risk behaviours (such as alcohol, drugs, smoking and unsafe sex), chronic illness, the inability to maintain stable relationships or empathise with others. Violence can harm children's ability to engage in learning and constrain them from reaching their full potential. Violence may even lead to a child's death.²

If children are subjected to violent discipline from their caregivers, they may develop a biased understanding of violence as a normal way of interacting with others and may internalise this behaviour and imitate it in their own lives.³

2. Is there a difference between a smack and beating? Can I discipline my child with mild corporal punishment?

A mild smack, or any form of physical punishment, is not a safe or acceptable way to discipline a child. It shows a lack of respect for their dignity. Research has shown that even mild forms of corporal punishment can increase the risk of more severe forms of abuse,⁴ and it can be difficult for parents to accurately judge the appropriate amount of force to use.

On the other hand, any form of violent discipline proves that adults have the right to harm those weaker than themselves and demonstrate a mindset of resorting to violence rather than exploring alternative positive solutions.

Besides, societies do not draw lines and try to justify any level of violence when challenging violence against women, elderly people, or any other population group. They should not do so too when it comes to children.⁵

3. What can I do if I am told my child is a troublemaker?

1. Pause, keep calm and find out what is going on
   Sometimes parents get angry when they hear a complaint about their child’s behaviour and quickly decide that their child has messed up or caused trouble and needs to be punished harshly. It is a good idea to take a pause to calm yourself down first and ask the person who complains what has happened.
2. Find out the reasons behind your child's behaviour
   Find time to talk to your child alone without any preconceptions and listen to what they identify as the cause of the incident. It might be a misunderstanding, and if it is not a misunderstanding, ask the child why they did it. Is it because they do not know it was inappropriate or they could not control themselves? Parents can analyse with their child why it was wrong, what the appropriate act is and how they can develop good behaviour.
3. Set clear expectations and provide positive reinforcement.
   Explain to your child what behaviours are acceptable and what are not. When they behave well, make sure to praise and reward them. This will help reinforce good behaviour and encourage your child to continue making positive choices.
4. Pay attention to your child to reduce their insecurities
   Sometimes children want to get the attention of adults, especially if their parents work away from home. In this case, parents can set aside regular time each day or each week to communicate with their children online to let them know that their parents are always caring about them, reducing their insecurities.

4. What is positive parenting?

Unlike violent discipline, positive parenting means raising a child in a positive, non-violent way, respecting their rights and developing their potential. It means that parents take a long-term view, provide guidance and make demands on the child based on their stage of development,  understanding and empathy.⁶ It assumes that children do not mean to act badly but are simply learning.

Positive parenting helps to build positive parent-child relationships and can provide a safe environment in which children can actively explore and learn and thrive. Positive parenting also helps to reduce abuse and violence, creating a healthier life and a better future for the child.

Positive parenting, on the other hand, is not coddling, but rather the belief that children learn more through cooperation and rewards than through punishment. When children feel good, they tend to behave well, while when they feel bad, they might behave badly.

Research has shown that positive parenting helps brain areas related to emotions and cognition to function better during adolescence.⁷ It also develops children's self-esteem, creativity, belief in the future and the ability to get along with others. In the long run, it helps children to develop better relationships, mental health and well-being in adulthood.⁸

5. What can I do if my child insists on helping but ends up messing up?

1. Understand your child's frustration and replace violent discipline with positive parenting. Scolding and punishing them will only make them feel worse and discourage them from trying again, while it is already upsetting and frustrating for children to fail to challenge themselves. Parents can try positive parenting instead of violent discipline and change their mindset to realise that their children intend to perform well by challenging themselves, so what they need is recognition, guidance and help, rather than denying or punishing them.
2. Guide your child to learn from their mistakes or failures. When the timing is right, parents can talk to their children about why something went wrong. Tell them that it is great that they are willing to help and challenge themselves. Although they have failed temporarily, experience can be learned from mistakes.
3. Be careful with safety issues. If the task is beyond the child's ability and there is a safety issue, parents can explain to them why they can't help and thank the child for being willing to help. Offer an alternative way for them to help by replacing it with tasks within their reach so that they are not demotivated and can ensure safety.

6. Does positive parenting mean that children should not be criticized at all?

Positive parenting assumes that children make mistakes because they need help and is against criticism based on sarcasm, humiliation, or even personal attacks. However, this does not mean that positive parenting allows children to do whatever they want.

It is important for parents to provide non-violent and constructive feedback and guidance to help their children learn and grow. This means focusing on the behaviour, rather than the child, and providing specific and actionable feedback that can help them improve.

For example, a child who cries a lot may be called a "crybaby" or a "coward", a slow-paced child may be described as a "procrastinator" or a "dawdler". These criticisms are like labels and create a fixed mindset in which children believe that their capacity is limited, that they are "bad", and that they are doomed to not succeed, and finally give up the idea of improving.

If we believe that every child is willing to behave well, we will have confidence in them and pay more attention to the specific reasons behind their behaviour. At the same time, when parents are willing to face up to difficulties and think about solutions together with their children, they will feel that difficulties or mistakes are not scary and that they can do better, and things will move towards a positive direction through hard work.

7. What can I do if my child talks back when being criticised?

1. Describe the facts, rather than judging or labelling the child. Focus on the facts by describing the issue itself. For example, "I noticed that you got five questions wrong on your latest test because you got distracted, is that right?" sounds more accurate and less aggressive than "You are always so sloppy" or "you are just too lazy to check" and is easier for children to accept.
2. Invite your child to think of a solution together. If your child agrees with this fact, the next step is to work with them to think of ways for improvement. For example, look for reasons hidden behind the carelessness, such as not reading the questions carefully enough, or making a mistake when copying, or something else. Then think about solutions respectively, such as reading the question twice or checking the calculation in reverse. Teach them that mistakes are not scary, if they learn something from mistakes.
3. Focus on the moments when your child does well and reward them, even just by praising them. Next time when your child is being careful, parents can take the opportunity to encourage them specifically on their being careful and guide them to harvest experience from successes. By giving positive reinforcement, the child is more willing to consolidate good performance.

8. Why do adults habitually want to yell at children or hit them?

Many parents scold or hit children simply because they were scolded or hit when they were young. They were probably raised with a belief that "spare the rod and spoil the child" in traditional culture, so violent discipline was acceptable and common back then. However, with time, evidence has shown the negative impact that violent discipline can have in terms of children’s development.^{9 10}

Some parents may question that "I was often beaten as a child, but I am quite normal now". However, nobody knows whether their lives would have been different if they had not been violently disciplined as children. Also, even these adults would not have found it a pleasant experience. So, if there are alternative effective ways to raise children, why not try to make a change?

Very often parents don't know what else to do other than violent discipline. They do not have the knowledge and ability to use positive, non-violent methods to teach children. Research shows that parents that use violent discipline often feel guilty, but they do not know how to stop it or do it differently.¹¹

We should therefore promote positive parenting as an alternative to violent discipline, spread knowledge and encourage parents to explore positive parenting methods, and provide support to more families to help them build a healthier and more positive parent-child relationship.

9. What should I do if I lose my temper with my child?

1. Take a break and apologize sincerely to your child.
   Be honest with your child and explain that you need a few minutes to work through your emotions. Leave your child in a safe place for a few minutes, take a deep breath to calm down. Then return to your child when you are calmer and give them a hug, or a remote hi-five through the screen if you are far away. Once again, apologise  and explain that you lost your temper because you were not in control of your emotions. Let them know that you are sorry for the way you spoke or acted and that you will try to do better in the future.
2. Discuss your behaviour and your feelings with your child
   It is a good opportunity for children to learn about emotion management if parents can share their feelings with them. Explain honestly how you are feeling, such as irritable, worried, angry, nervous, etc., and how you are feeling physically and emotionally at the time. This can be a good start for children to learn about emotion management, as identifying and verbalising emotions is the first and very important step in learning to manage emotions.
3. Ask for help if necessary
   Parents can reflect on their behaviour and find out what triggers the outbursts - is it physical discomfort, work stress, time pressure, or something else? Are there other ways to relieve stress? Seek advice and support from outside, such as talking to a friend, doing exercise, drawing and listening to music, or going out for a walk.

10. Can I hit my child if he or she is running into the street since it's too dangerous?

1. Be a responsible guardian and ensure children's safety. Stopping parents from hitting a child does not mean stopping them from protecting the child. Parents should accompany their children across the road and take them away immediately if they are rushing into the street or playing in the middle of the road.
2. Use guidance, not violence. Children are not born to cross the road. Even if they have followed adults across the road many times, they may not know how to do it safely. Hitting a child does not help them learn how to act safely or how to respond to danger, nor does the child make the connection between being exposed to violence and avoiding danger.
   Parents can use a different approach and first ask children to observe pedestrians crossing the road and the cars coming and going, to see what other people are doing and to think about what might happen if they play in the middle of the road. Then the can gradually allow their child to practice while ensuring safety, for example by letting them lead parents across the road.
3. Encourage good behaviour and develop good habits. Protecting children from danger is not the same as being violent towards them. When children behave well, recognize their behaviour and gradually help them to develop the habit of crossing the road safely.

11. What should I do if my child throws a tantrum in a public place?

1. Leave the scene and do not try to win the conflict over the child. If possible, remove the child from the situation to avoid the pressure of being surrounded and talked about, and wait in a relatively quiet place for the child to relief his or her feelings. If the child refuses to leave, wait until they calm down while ensuring their safety, or try to distract them with a different activity or object. Do not try to drown out the child's crying at a higher volume or use violence as this will only escalate the situation.
2. Understanding the child's emotions. Once the child has calmed down, parents can hug them and encourage them to express their feelings, such as sadness, disappointment, aggression, anger, etc. Identify the cause of the tantrum - is it because they are tired, hungry, not getting something they want, or not allowed to go somewhere they wish to? Parents can tell them that they understand the child's disappointment or frustration, explain the reason, and discuss alternatives together. Stay firm and consistent so that children will know that their behaviour is not acceptable.
3. Reaching an agreement before going out. Agree in advance on what they can buy or where they can go before going out. You can also make a shopping list or travel plan together as a family and everyone follows it. When children realize that their rights are respected and that their ideas are understood, they will not feel unfair and will therefore be able to make more sensible decisions.

12. What can I do if my child is being bullied or threatened? ¹²

If you know your child is being bullied, there are several steps you can take to help them:

1. Listen to your child openly and calmly. Focus on making them feel heard and supported, instead of trying to find the cause of the bullying or trying to solve the problem. Make sure they know that it is not their fault.
2. Tell the child that you believe them; that you are glad they told you; that it is not their fault; that you will do your best to find help.
3. Talk to the teacher or school. You and your child do not have to face bullying alone. Ask if your school has a bullying policy or code of conduct. This may apply for both in-person bullying and online.
4. Be a support system. For your child, having a supportive parent is essential to dealing with the effects of bullying. Make sure they know they can talk to you at any time and reassure them that things will get better.

13. I’m not sure if my child is being bullied. What signs should I look out for? ¹³

Look closely. Observe children’s emotional state, as some children may not express their concerns verbally. Signs to look out for include:

• Physical marks such as unexplained bruises, scratches, broken bones and healing wounds
• Fear of going to school or joining school events
• Being anxious, nervous or very vigilant
• Having few friends in school or outside of school
• Losing friends suddenly or avoiding social situations
• Clothing, electronics or other personal belongings being lost or destroyed
• Often asking for money
• Low academic performance
• Absenteeism, or calling from school asking to go home
• Trying to stay near adults
• Not sleeping well and may be having nightmares
• Complaining of headaches, stomach aches or other physical ailments
• Regularly distressed after spending time online or on their phone (without a reasonable explanation)
• Becomes unusually secretive, especially when it comes to online activities
• Being aggressive or having angry outbursts

Talk openly. Talk to your children about what they think is good and bad behaviour in school, in the community and online. It is important to have open communication so that your children will feel comfortable telling you about what is happening in their lives.

14. What can I do if my child is bullying others?¹⁴

If you think or know that your child is bullying other children, it’s important to remember that they are not inherently bad but may be acting out for a number of reasons. Children who bully often just want to fit in, need attention or are simply figuring out how to deal with complicated emotions. In some cases, bullies are themselves victims or witnesses to violence at home or in their community. There are several steps you should take to help your child stop bullying:

1. Communicate. Understanding why your child is acting out will help you know how to help them. Are they feeling insecure at school? Are they fighting with a friend or sibling? If they are having trouble explaining their behaviour, you may choose to consult with a counsellor, social worker, or mental health professional who is trained to work with children.
2. Work through healthy ways of coping. Ask your child to explain a scenario that frustrated them, and offer constructive ways of reacting. Use this exercise to brainstorm possible future scenarios and non-harmful responses. Encourage your child to “put yourself in their shoes” by imagining the experience of the person being bullied. Remind your child that comments made online still hurt in the real world.
3. Examine yourself. Children who bully are often modelling what they see at home. Are they exposed to physically or emotionally harmful behaviour from you or another caregiver? Look inward and think honestly about how you are presenting to your child.
4. Give consequences and opportunities to make amends. If you find out your child has been bullying, it is important to offer appropriate, non-violent consequences. This could be limiting their activities, especially those that encourage bullying (social gatherings, screen/social media time). Encourage your child to apologize to their peers and find ways for them to be more inclusive in the future.

15. How parents of children of different ages can practice positive parenting?

For infants and preschoolers (0-6 years):

1. Understand that no infants make trouble on purpose. They make mistakes or cry a lot simply because they are not able to express themselves verbally.
2. Establish a predictable routine and schedule to help them develop healthy habits.
3. Protect them from danger through monitoring and educating, rather than yelling or hitting them.
4. Use positive language and praise to encourage them to maintain good behaviour.
5. Teach them to identify emotions though games and interaction, encourage them to express their feelings.

For school-aged children (7-12 years):

1. Communicate openly and regularly with your child, chat about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
2. Set clear expectations and reasonable limits or boundaries, help them develop a sense of self-control and understanding of rules.
3. Encourage them to be independent and responsible by giving them the freedom to make their own decisions within appropriate boundaries.
4. Provide positive reinforcement for good behaviour by giving them specific, sincere praise and rewards.
5. Model the behavior you want your child to emulate in your own interaction with others.

For adolescents (13-18 years):

1. Learn about adolescence and the characteristics of this stage of development, be prepared and be positive when facing this transitional period.
2. Treat them equally as adults, as well as give them enough time and guidance to help them develop as a child, since the psychological and physical maturity of adolescents is often not synchronised.
3. Do not try to establish your authority through violent discipline when your child acts rebelliously. Approach discipline in a positive, supportive way that helps children learn self-control and make responsible choices.
4. Encourage them to participate in the decision-making process in the family and give them opportunities to take on responsibilities within the family.
5. Support and encourage your child as they navigate their changing world, communicate and share your experience and provide guidance when needed.

16. Why is it important for fathers to be involved in childcare?

Men, like women, have an enormous impact on the health and development of children. The role of a father is important for a child’s development, from the start. Research shows that spending more time with your child can help them score higher on intelligence tests¹⁵, and help lower the rate or risk of depression, fear and self-doubt, which can be linked to improved outcomes for the children later in life with career and economic success.¹⁶

The involvement of fathers can, above all, bring about a diversity of parenting styles. As long as both parents share the basic philosophy of positive parenting, the diversity - such as being rougher versus more detailed, more planned versus more random, more daring versus more cautious- will give children more space and help them explore in various directions. These diverse experiences will enrich their knowledge and help them to be better prepared for a diverse world when they grow up.

In addition, the involvement of fathers can be a powerful way of breaking down gender stereotypes, such as the division of labour. If both parents demonstrate that they can share parenting tasks equally and take their respective responsibility, the idea of gender equality will be conveyed naturally and children will also have a similar attitude and will be less affected by gender stereotypes.

17. How can fathers be involved in parenting? ¹⁷

1. 1. Take on an equal share of the work.
   Men may not be able to breastfeed their babies, but they should be able to take on every other parenting task as well as women. There is nothing inherently different between men and women in terms of their ability to provide a child with nutrition, stimulation, and protection or as we say, eat, play, love. In fact, a study that looked at descriptions of fathering across different cultures concluded that fathers can be just as nurturing and affectionate as mothers and just as capable of providing care¹⁸. We should stop thinking of the role of fathers as simply “helping” mothers. Fathers play a central and equal role as parents and we do a great disservice to men when we believe otherwise.
   Fathers should spend time with their children, listen to their concerns and offer advice, and engage in activities that they enjoy together. This can help  build strong bonds and create lasting memories. Besides, they can also support their child's mother and work together as a team to provide a positive and loving environment for their child. Fathers can also set a good example for their children by living a healthy and responsible lifestyle. This can include eating well, doing exercise, communicating non-violently, and making positive choices.
2. Give special attention to a child’s early years.
   In typical situations, the younger the child, the less involved the father is in the child’s care. And only when the child gets older, does the father’s role increase. But a child’s early years, which take place from the ages of 0-3, is the most crucial in their life because it is when the brain is developing most rapidly. And the kind of care that a child receives during this time has the potential to greatly affect his or her future. So while it may be easier perhaps for men to take on a greater role in the later years when a child is older, involved parenting should start from the very beginning.
3. Make it an objective to learn.
   Research shows that men usually rely on women for knowledge on parenting. This shouldn’t be the case. As a father, you have the responsibility to find out how you can nurture, engage, and support your child at every stage of his or her life. UNICEF has tried to make it a little easier for parents by providing them with a place they can go to for expert and unbiased advice on raising children. Every single article on this Parenting Site is written for the benefit of both male and female caregivers and we encourage everyone to visit the site and make use of the resources.

¹ https://www.unicef.org/mena/sites/unicef.org.mena/files/2019-02/ViolentDiscipline-28Jan19_0.pdf
² www.unicef.org/media/96686/file/VAC-Advocacy-Brief-2021.pdf
³ Fry, D. (2016, November 7-9). Preventing violence against children: And how this contributes to building stronger economies [Thematic Research Paper]. The 3rd High-Level Meeting on Cooperation for Child Rights in the Asia-Pacific Region, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
⁴ Durrant, J.E., Ensom, R., and Coalition on Physical Punishment of Children and Youth (2004). Joint Statement on Physical Punishment of Children and Youth. Ottawa: Coalition on Physical Punishment of Children and Youth.
⁵ https://endcorporalpunishment.org/faqs/
⁶ Council of Europe, Committee of Ministers Recommendation (2006) 19 on policy to support positive parenting.
⁷ Whittle, S., Simmons, J. G., Dennison, M., Vijayakumar, N., Schwartz, O., Yap, M. B. H., . . . Allen, N. B. (2014). Positive parenting predicts the development of adolescent brain structure: A longitudinal study. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 8, 7-17.
⁸ Chen, Y., Kubzansky, L. D., & VanderWeele, T. J. (2019). Parental warmth and flourishing in mid-life. Social Science & Medicine, 220, 65-72.
⁹ Global status report on preventing violence against children. Geneva: World Health Organization; 2020. Licence: CC BY-NC-SA 3.0 IGO.
¹⁰ End Corporal Punishment: Corporal punishment of children: review of research on its impact and associations, Full working paper, September 2021
¹¹ Durrant, J. Positive Discipline: what it is and how to do it, Global Initiative to End All Corporal Punishment of Children and Save the Children, 2009, p. 1-2.
¹² https://www.unicef.cn/en/how-to-talk-to-your-children-about-bullying
¹³ https://www.unicef.cn/en/how-to-talk-to-your-children-about-bullying
¹⁴ https://www.unicef.cn/en/how-to-talk-to-your-children-about-bullying
¹⁵ Engle, P. L. and C. Breaux. 1994. Is there a Father Instinct? Fathers' Responsibility for Children. Paper prepared as part of the project, "Family Structure, Female Headship and Maintenance of Families and Poverty." Population Council and the International Center for Research on Women.
¹⁶ https://www.unicef.cn/en/parenting-site/how-to-be-a-great-dad
¹⁷ https://www.unicef.cn/en/parenting-site/how-to-be-a-great-dad
¹⁸ Engle, P. L. and C. Breaux. 1994. Is there a Father Instinct? Fathers' Responsibility for Children. Paper prepared as part of the project, "Family Structure, Female Headship and Maintenance of Families and Poverty." Population Council and the International Center for Research on Women.